Thursday, August 29, 2013

A Day At Yellowstone

Yesterday I spent the day at Yellowstone.  We had a great time.  I didn't ride Blue thru but went with some friends.  It was a beautiful day and we checked off 10 animals from the handout they give you at the gate.  We even saw 2 bears!!  I didn't get a picture of them but we were definitely excited about it.  Here are some pictures from the day.

There were many bison along the way.  This one was wandering along the side of the road.  I could just imagine him completely annoyed by everyone driving by and taking his picture.  Probably can't wait until the tourist all go home for the season. ;)

Old Faithful

Poor bird has a broken wing. :(

Pictures of the lake

A geyser by the lake

The Grand Canyon of Yellowstone and the waterfall.

As we were leaving the park we got to finally see some antlers.

We had a fabulous day and boy did I sleep well.  Less than a week left here in Montana then on the road again.  Heading to Kentucky for the fall to work for the season with Amazon.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Warrior of Dreams

A couple of days ago I was having a difficult time staying in the present.  I was lying on my bed watching some movies going in and out of thoughts and dreams.  I look up and see this image on the bedroom door.

Do you see him?  He has a large nose, aged eyes, large lips, tall hair, long beard and a shield.

I imagine him to be the Warrior of Dreams.  He protects me from my nightmares and protects the innocence of my dreams.

I imagine when he is not in the door his hair is multiple shades of gray.  He is quite distinguished and a senior warrior.  Maybe he is my personal warrior.  He has followed me throughout my life.  I could imagine these Dream Warriors each having one person they protect from when they are born until they die.  

Look how serious he is... such honor.  This is an image I have needed and it is amazing what detail I see in a door.  I was really excited when I could take a picture of it... when I showed it to someone else they could actually see him too.  Who would not feel safe with a Warrior of Dreams.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

On My MInd

I just finished the book 'Wild' by Cheryl Strayed.  It was an interesting book and now I want to hike the Pacific Crest Trail.  Anyway... books of people's life stories always confuse me and I start to think what a failure I must be.  Cheryl for instance hikes the PCT to find herself and deal with some past events.  She is out on the trail for a summer and what else is there to do but be with yourself.  At the end of the book she talks about her life now and it all seems perfect.  As if that hike changed her life to the point all of her other negative coping skills disappeared.  Of course she is married to her perfect man with kids and the whole thing.  Is her life really as great as she makes it out to be?  Not to pick on Cheryl because all of these types of life finding books end the same.  Why can't someone just say... yes, I did that and it changed my life but I still struggle... or life didn't quite turn out the way I thought but I have learned to cope and life is good.  I would think after a life changing event like a hike on the PCT the world would be different... it is what I am noticing with my life on the road.  Why the need to make it all seem so  perfect... like if I went and hiked the PCT, for instance, next summer everything in my life would fall in place and I wouldn't have bad days or bad thoughts or loose days from depression or think about my body and food in a negative way.

I have had people ask me if I consider myself recovered from my Eating Disorder.  I say no because recovered is such a permanent word.  I feel I will be in recovery forever.  Life happens, things happen, thoughts come about and yes, my first thought is my Eating Disorder.  I may or may not act upon those thoughts but to me recovered means my Eating Disorder isn't there anymore.  I can deal with life without ever thinking about depriving myself in some way shape or form.  That I love my body no matter what I wear or what the media tells me.  I don't have days where depression takes over or anxiety about the world.  I would be able to live a 'normal' life... well, as normal as I would ever want my life to be.  I guess 'normal' for me would mean being able to feel whatever the feelings may be, not to take out other people's actions on myself, treat food as what it is, a need for survival instead of something that I need to be allowed to have.  My life can be exhausting.  I can have a few good months and then out of the blue be knocked down and it will take a few months to get myself back to the point I was before.  It is frustrating.  I feel like a failure when I have to constantly go back to my team and each time I fear they won't be there anymore.  They will give up because I just can't get it right.

I have also been asked when I will write a book about my life.  How in the world do you pick out the moments to write about.  I have over 30 years of life, drama, recovery not to mention my life on the road.  What is it suppose to be... an encyclopedia of Jackie.  Each moment creates the next and I still haven't figured it all out like it seems these other life changing books have done.  Maybe I am missing something somewhere??   Maybe I want to much??  Who knows.  Just something on my mind the past few days.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Post slacker

So sorry I have been such a slacker on posting.  Not a lot going on but yet so much going on.  Waiting to see when I will start my next gig in Kentucky and getting very anxious.  I can't wait to be back on the road again.  I have enjoyed most of my time here in Montana but I am getting antsy.  I just don't like staying in one place for too long.  I have been daydreaming a lot about things to come.  I can't wait to have a campout with my nephew in Nebraska and visiting my very good friend in Kansas for more margaritas. ;)  Somewhat excited about the next gig but even more excited about being in New Mexico this January.  I have even considered finding a fall job in the southwest instead of heading to Kentucky but haven't had any luck yet.  I am kind of board with the east... been there done that kind of thing.  I want to spend a lot of time out west where I haven't been yet.  That will be my goal for this next spring... just traveling and working out west.

I have also been stuck in my thoughts a lot lately which is a growing opportunity but also a challenge.  Thoughts and feeling come around that can be hard to deal with but that is life.  I have a great group of women who help me out and even though I have a hard time reaching out they are always there cheering me on.  I am one lucky woman.

Not much else in my world.  Hopefully I will get some time for a walking adventure soon. :)