Thursday, May 30, 2013

3 Meals a Day

Lately I have been trying to figure out how to afford to eat 3 well rounded meals a day for a whole year... that is all 365 days for the year.  I have never been able to afford 3 meals a day for 365 days in my entire adult life... and that is just being able to eat 3 times a day well rounded or not.  I can usually get about a week maybe a few weeks the entire year where I can afford to eat somewhat of a meal 3 times a day... definitely not a well balanced meal and it usually consists of dinner being only ramon noodles.  It is a choice... do I get to have fruit and veggies or do I get to eat every day for the entire week.  Sure, I can go out to eat with my friends but that is the only time I can eat the whole day and I usually get a burger because it is one of the cheaper items on the menu and fills me up.

It was really hard for me when I would travel for work.  Everyone was much older than me with a real, steady full time job... here I was barely getting by... so when they would choose to eat at the really nice restaurants I was stuck.  They didn't seem to understand that for me that one meal out at a restaurant like that would cost my entire weeks allowance of food.  I surely couldn't justify doing that but if I didn't eat then of course something was wrong with me.  Being someone who had a Eating Disorder for most of my life it is a strange place to be.  When I choose not to eat one meal so I can eat the rest of the week people think I am slipping when in reality I am choosing the best option for myself.  I spent years of therapy to be able to eat at a restaurant and try new foods but I can't afford to do so... luckily I have some great friends around who take me out every once in a while for something other than a burger.

It is also really hard as someone who has had an Eating Disorder not to take it as some sort of sign... I can't afford to eat so I am not meant to eat.  I worked so hard to be able to allow myself to eat and it feels like a huge kick upside my head that I can't afford to eat what I need to keep myself healthy and not to trigger myself back into my Eating Disorder.  I have days where it is really hard for me to silence the voice inside me that tells me I deserve my Eating Disorder... Life is showing me that I don't deserve to eat.

During the midst of my Eating Disorder I had no idea what the cost of food was... I could get away with $20 or less a week for food (that included my diet coke addiction)... it didn't even phase me.  So when my nutritionist kept telling me I wasn't eating enough I just didn't understand how one can afford all that food.  It was so frustrating to see a nutritionist but unable to do what I needed to help myself out of my Eating Disorder.  I just kept telling her I couldn't afford anymore food... I had to only eat noodles for dinner because I had to ration my food for the week.

I have been looking into food banks and food stamps and all that jazz.  I have looked into food stamps off and on for years but as a single person it is hard to fit the criteria... I have always been just right outside the so called "need" for food assistance.  I still couldn't afford food but that didn't seem to matter.

I still have a hard time with food banks... it is that evil voice in my head.  I tell myself someone else needs that food more than me and I am selfish for wanting more than I deserve.  Even though I would tell everyone I know that everyone deserves to be able to eat and not ever go hungry... I seem to always be the exception in my eyes.

I did look into food banks here in South Florida but it is difficult.  A lot of them you have to be a resident or have some sort of documentation or referral which I have no idea at this moment what that is and where to go to get it.  Also I came across food banks that only serve a certain category of people... 55+, HIV positive or whatever.  The times of the food bank are also really hard... I work so I can pay my bills and afford the bit of food I can so it doesn't make sense that these food banks are open Monday thru Friday in the middle of the day.  Some places are one day a month or one day a week for a small 2 to 3 hour window.  I guess it would work if you were unemployed or worked from home or something but it doesn't work so well if you are the only person able to get the food and you work.

I had a friend find a food bank for me about 45 minutes away from where I am staying.  I called but of course no one answers and the voice message gave no information as to what you need, do you need to be a resident or even the hours of the food bank.  Again, how is that suppose to work??  (and of course I talked myself out of going because my need isn't "that much")

With realizing that as a single person I am unable to have the food I need to be healthy I can not even comprehend having a family.  Being able to supply the necessary foods for children to grow healthy and strong... I don't know how people do it... sure, schools are helping with breakfast and lunch but what do these kids do for dinner... on the weekends or the summer??

Something I talk about all the time when it comes to this stupid Obesity Campaign crap that is all around us... how fat America is...  I believe a good chunk of the issue is that availability of affordable, healthy food is lacking.  People are unable to eat as often as they need to keep their body functioning.  A good chunk of people are really starving.  If you can't eat when your body tells you you are hungry then when you get a chance to eat people will most likely binge.  I know I do that... and I look for something that is high calorie to make the hunger go away.  Also if all you have is boxed or canned food that is full of chemicals that play with your body's hunger cues then of course your eating is going to be out of whack.

It is so very frustrating to me... part because of my own food issues but it is so hard for me to see so many people hungry.   When I lived in Miami I would go for walks around where I lived and I would see so many homeless people.  I had the habit of going home and giving them all the food out of my cub-bards or fridge.  I only had the food because I was in treatment for my Eating Disorder and the deal with my therapist and nutritionist was that I have food in the house to eat ... if I could find a way to get rid of it that was great... for my Eating Disorder that is.  I got in trouble many times for cleaning out my kitchen to feed someone else.  I just didn't think it was fair.  They didn't deserve to be hungry no matter what their life path has been.  I know from a life of starving myself how miserable it is to be hungry. My team pointed out often how it was the same for me also... but again I was the exception in my eyes.

So, I am off to do more research about how one eats 3 well rounded meals a day for 365 days a year on a limited income.  I need someone to explain this whole thing to me because I just don't get it.  My goal for the next month is to really figure it out on a national level so anywhere I am my financial situation doesn't dictate my food situation.  And I really have to work on this "I deserve food just as much as the next person" thing.

Wish me luck!

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Ride through the Keys

I have 2 favorite rides here in South Florida.  One around the Everglades and the other one to Key West and back.  I am not a big tourist in the sense of stopping and wandering around Key West but I love the ride.  A couple weekends ago I made my ride to Key West.  It was a beautiful day and traffic wasn't bad at all for a Sunday.  I stopped at the beach in Key West and a few places along the way to see the ocean.  I love seeing the ocean.  Here are a few pictures from my day ride.

In Key West. 

A random beach on the side of the road.

7 Mile Bridge

Blue enjoying her time in the Keys.

Friday, May 17, 2013

A couple more weeks

Only a couple more weeks here in South Florida.... then it is on the road again.  I can't wait!!  I have a couple of weeks I can roam before heading to Alaska.  Not sure where I will go but I am sure I will have a blast.  I am ready to be on the road again where it feels like home.

I have seen some of my favorite people while here in Florida and that has made my time here the best.  I lived in South Florida for almost 10 years.  I came here when I was at the bottom with my eating disorder.  I knew I had to make a change or I would die.  I took a huge chance and moved to Florida to get the help I needed.  I spent almost 10 years working on recovery.  I accomplished so much and am able to live life to the fullest because of the amazing team of women I had behind me along my journey.  I have been very fortunate in my life to have some amazing, empowering women in my life who never doubt me and help me believe anything is possible.  That is one thing I need on occasion... I have a lot of doubters and people who tell me things aren't possible even though I know they are wrong it is hard to believe in myself when the people who are suppose to be supportive can't seem to be.  

Throughout my life I have made it a point to find people to fill that void.  It has taken a long time and hearing many many times that 'can't' isn't a word for me to believe I have some self worth, that what I dream is possible and I hope that thru my life I can give the 'Can' to others.  

Anything is possible and everyone needs a 'You Can Do It' person or people in their lives.  I am thankful for the people who believe in me and will be forever grateful.  

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Motorcycle Therapy

I met with one of my most favorite people today.  She was my therapist for almost 10 years.  We had a nice brunch together talking about my travels.  I was telling her while traveling I ride all day and then fall asleep as soon as I stop for the day.  Also when I get to a stopping place for a longer stay I am exhausted for at least a week.  I really couldn't figure out why I was so exhausted but as I have thought about it today there are two reasons I crash when I stop.

First riding a motorcycle day after day for 8-10 hours is exhausting and pulling a trailer takes a little bit more out of you.  I love the fact I can feel my muscles and my body strengthening as the weeks go by in my new life.  It is a different feeling since throughout my eating disorder I only felt my body getting weaker and weaker and in the beginning of my recovery the thought of getting stronger really scared me... well it scared me because I thought my body wouldn't be able to handle it.  A friend of mine who is also in recovery always tells me how Yoga has helped her love her body for what her body can do and that is the same with my motorcycle but I have never felt as much as I have these last 6 months.  I love it! this feeling of strengthening.... I'm not only strengthening my body but also my soul.

Probably the most exhausting for me is the 'therapy' I get when I ride.  I had been in therapy for over 12 years but it felt more of a day to day type of thing.  How do I survive what was happening to me now and how I stay a functional part of society.... and how much can you get into in an hour.  Out on my bike I think thru so many things that have held me back, things I have been scared to say or to think about.  I will go thru 8+ hours of motorcycle therapy a day.  Sometimes it is a day of silence.  Sometimes it is a day of feelings... some days are for anger, some days are for grief and some days are full of laughter.  I can think about the same thing for 8 hours and then at the end of the day I feel relief... like whatever it was on my mind today was finally off my shoulders.  I could finally move on to the next thing.  Sometimes a month later the same thoughts will come about and I guess that is to be expected.  They will come back but maybe not as intense or not as long.  Just like recovery.  You circle around but each time you hit a point it is a little different, a little less, or a little more under control.

I would love to keep a journal of these thoughts but by the time I am done riding for the day I am done for the day.  That is why I want the ability to record my rides.  I talk about my thoughts out loud and all would be recorded for me to look back later.  Hopefully I can get that all together before my ride to Alaska.  I am sure with riding in the middle of nowhere I will have a lot of time to process.

Anyways at brunch she talked about this book called Wild.  It is about a woman who hiked the Pacific Crest Trail after some events in her life.  I just got it on my kindle and am excited to read about how life changing and empowering that adventure was for her.  Well... better get to reading. :)

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Family Pictures

Every once in a awhile I try to take a picture of me and at least Poco and Nube... getting Randall included with the dogs is quite a challenge and I have only accomplished it once with all of us and a couple times with just the boys.

So this weekend I thought since they were chillin' on the couch with me it would be fun to take a picture.  Poco and Nube thought otherwise.

Gotta love them. ;)

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Viewing Yourself As Worthy

This is one of the hardest things for me.  I have the tendency to figure things out for myself... or really just going without instead of asking for help from people.  My treatment team worked with me on this a lot... they would make me ask for help and eventually I trusted that they would be there and could ask them... this took years.  When it comes to people outside of my treatment team I still have a hard time trusting them so I am able to ask for help or for a bit of support of my art.  So I have decided a challenge for myself would be to do some fundraising for this project which has been years in the making.  My challenge for the last few days was to create an email to send out to friends and family about my project and asking them to support me either by donating or sharing with friends.

I can't believe it but I actually accomplished that goal.  It took me sitting in front of the computer screen for a day going back and forth with myself if I was worthy of people's time or not.

I'm not sure where worthiness comes into it... I would love the confidence of those people who aren't afraid to ask for what they want.  I somehow tell myself I have to do it myself and no one will care about what I do.  Something I work on all the time and have improved on over the years... and especially living the life I live now.

My next challenge is to create a proposal for possible sponsors.  I keep telling myself I am not asking for a lot from sponsors and I have options for them that could pay off but I get stuck in my writing if I feel I'm just wasting people's time... I become invisible.  This is what I will be working on for the rest of the week.  I know I can do it because I believe in my project and believe I am making a difference in the world.

Wish me luck!

Friday, May 3, 2013

BlueRoad: Alaskan Dream

I have decided to do some fundraising for my BlueRoad project.   I really want to be able to do some amazing recordings of video and sound on my rides.  I see such amazing views that I can't put to words and would love to bring everyone along with me.  If you don't know, I have a house sitting gig in Wasilla, Alaska this summer.  It has been a dream of mine to ride a motorcycle to Alaska for as long as I can remember. I wake up in the middle of the night so excited to be making my dream come true.  But to make my dream come true I will need a little help from my friends.

Your donation will help with the purchase of equipment for audio/video recording and also help me with gas along the way.

To get an idea of just how far Alaska is away from my starting point of my parents house.  Almost 4000 miles from Kentucky to Alaska.  (I will actually be coming from Ft. Lauderdale FL with a stop off in Kentucky to get my boys their papers to go thru Canada.)  That is 4000 miles one way... and just getting to the house sitting gig.  I hope to visit all the places I can ride in Alaska.  Especially, Seward, Alaska.  So this trip alone to Alaska and back will be around 10,000 miles.

Equipment List:

Video (GoPro Camera Equipment)
10 GoPro Hero3 Black Edition
10 Battery BacPac (for extended battery for GoPro Cameras)
10 64GB Micro SD Memory Card 
4 Handle Bar/Searpost Pole Mount 
Hero3 Anti Fog Inserts
Hero3 3.5mm Mic Adapter

2 Zoom H2n Portable Digital Recorders
2 32GB SD Memory Card
1 Countryman E6i Omnidirectional Earset (Mic)

2 WD 2TB My Passport Studio Portable Hard Drive (1 for audio, 1 for video to start)

Every little bit helps!!

For donations between $5-$500 I have a personal Thank you, crochet items I have created, my Journey To Worthy CD, a post card/letter from Alaska and a monthly hand written post card/letter update of my travels for the next year. 

For those who want to be a Sponsor of BlueRoad:

For a donation of $1000 your name/company will be added to my website.  Logo will be on the side bar and will also be listed in a tab I will add for sponsors.

For a donation of $2500 your name or company will be listed as a sponsor on all videos and documentations of the BlueRoad series and listed on the website as a sponsor.

For a donation of $5000 your name or company will be added as a sponsor on my trailer for 1 year.  I will send dimensions for you Logo and will send off for a stick on graphic for the trailer.  I will travel a minimum of 15,000 miles throughout US and Canada during 1 year.  It will also be listed on all videos and documentation of the BlueRoad series and will be listed as a sponsor on the website.

For a donation of $10,000 I will come to your community and do a presentation or 2 for your community, organization or schools about my travels and things I have learned.  You will also have a logo/name on my trailer, listed as a sponsor on videos/documentation and website of the BlueRoad series.  

If you don't have the funds to give but would like to support, please share this link with your friends. (  And of course keep on reading.  I have a lot of amazing adventures to come and I can't wait to share them all with you!!  ♥ 

Thursday, May 2, 2013

May Gig

I am really enjoying my short term gig here in Florida.  I am the Sound/Lighting Person for a show from Michelee Puppets.  We were in Orlando this week and went to 4 different schools.  Then the next few weeks we will be in the South Florida area.  I have never worked with puppeteers or in theatre so this has been a great learning experience.

I learned how to set up and program lights and of course I would love to play on the program some more to see all it can do.  I love being able to work again and something that lets my brain exercise a bit. :)

Anyway... check out Michelee Puppets.  You can check out their website at and they are also on Facebook.