Thursday, January 1, 2015

The Next Day

I made it!  I made it almost 24 hours without collapsing in pure grief... I didn't die even though I feel like a part of me has died.  I have good moments and I have moments where I can barely breathe, the tears come down and I want to fall to the ground.  My family is gone.  I'm alone.

I carry around my boys' blanket like I am Linus.  I have to have it touch me or within reach.  My conversation with a friend yesterday after telling her I carry their blanket around:

Friend: Did you wash it first?
Me: No, maybe tomorrow
Friend: Maybe the next day
Me: Maybe

I missed hearing them breathe last night.  Nube snoring... so loud for such a little dog.  Poco and his dreams of running and chasing and you hear his heavy breathing and muffled barking.

It was silent.

I took their crates outside right away yesterday but there are other things around of theirs... not sure what to do with everything.

I almost call their names when I realize they won't answer.

I sob in disbelief.

I watched their sunset.  It was beautiful.  Standing outside in the cold with their blanket in one hand and camera in the other.

I am blessed to have so many people who understand this grief and are sending their love and prayers our way.

I am alone but surrounded by love.

I do wish I could have a hug... one of those where they hold you a little tighter and for a little longer... where it feels like they are keeping you up so you can fall apart.

I wish I was holding my boys right now.

I wish they lived a life without pain... without sickness.

My friend told me no more turtle shell.  The Jackie way of disappearing in hard times.  She said... be a squirrel.   For the next little while I'm going to be a contemplative squirrel.

I might not be able to talk on the phone... may not be able to hold a conversation.... but I am ok.

For those that have been with me in my past... I am stronger now... I will be ok.

Grieving is a new thing for me... I always stuffed it deep inside... it came out in other ways but it was hidden.  It's a new thing to be able to feel, cry, share and allow love and comfort.

I will be sad but there is room for times of joy.  The sadness will come and go like the waves... for quite a while... maybe forever.

In between the sadness will be smiles and laughter... and soon the sadness will be in between the smiles and laughter.

I have been loved in my good times and my bad.  I have been protected and watched over.

I have loved more deeply than I thought was possible.  

You know this day will come but can never prepare yourself.

You think there is no way you will make it to the next day.

And then you do.

I'm going to keep on with new challenges and adventures... need the stories to tell my boys when I see them at the Rainbow Bridge.

1 comment:

  1. Dang it, I hated reading through this part again... got me crying all over again. Sigh, I knew it was coming. After every mountain top experience (china) there is always a valley. I remember doing my crying when I realized my Tuxedo cat needed to be put down. I never really cried about it after that. I got it all out before and went into medical mode when I took him in, and just concentrated on doing what was best for him. He was truly my heart cat.