I carry around my boys' blanket like I am Linus. I have to have it touch me or within reach. My conversation with a friend yesterday after telling her I carry their blanket around:
Friend: Did you wash it first?
Me: No, maybe tomorrow
Friend: Maybe the next day
I missed hearing them breathe last night. Nube snoring... so loud for such a little dog. Poco and his dreams of running and chasing and you hear his heavy breathing and muffled barking.
I took their crates outside right away yesterday but there are other things around of theirs... not sure what to do with everything.
I sob in disbelief.
I do wish I could have a hug... one of those where they hold you a little tighter and for a little longer... where it feels like they are keeping you up so you can fall apart.
I wish I was holding my boys right now.
I wish they lived a life without pain... without sickness.
My friend told me no more turtle shell. The Jackie way of disappearing in hard times. She said... be a squirrel. For the next little while I'm going to be a contemplative squirrel.
I might not be able to talk on the phone... may not be able to hold a conversation.... but I am ok.
Grieving is a new thing for me... I always stuffed it deep inside... it came out in other ways but it was hidden. It's a new thing to be able to feel, cry, share and allow love and comfort.
I will be sad but there is room for times of joy. The sadness will come and go like the waves... for quite a while... maybe forever.
In between the sadness will be smiles and laughter... and soon the sadness will be in between the smiles and laughter.
I have been loved in my good times and my bad. I have been protected and watched over.
You know this day will come but can never prepare yourself.
You think there is no way you will make it to the next day.
I'm going to keep on with new challenges and adventures... need the stories to tell my boys when I see them at the Rainbow Bridge.