Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Goodbye My Boys

Last night while crocheting and watching TV I started to cry uncontrollably... my heart knew it was time.  The boys woke me up this morning crying.  No more putting off... today was going to be the day.

I called the vet that was closest and they refused to put down my boys without a complete examination. When I told them that wasn't going to happen they told me to go to the animal shelter.  Completely upset I hung up the phone... no idea what to do.  Then I remember a conversation I was having online with someone in Santa Fe.  She was telling me how her dog got injured and had to have stitches while she is away for the holidays.  I told her about my dogs and how I was going to have to put them to sleep and she recommended her vet.

I called that vet while crying and they said bring them in today and we will take care of everything.  No examination required.  I spent the rest of the morning holding my boys.  Telling them everything was going to be ok... but it was like they already knew.  They were so calm and content laying in my arms.

Our last picture together while waiting in the truck.

We had an appointment at 10:30 and I got there shortly after 10 since I wasn't completely sure where we were going.  This woman walks out of the clinic and to the truck I was in.  It was the neighbor from where I am house sitting.  She called me by my first name and gave me the papers to fill out while in the truck.  She came back out to get the papers and I, holding the boys, wandered inside.

How amazing is the universe.  I don't know her all that well but it felt so good to have someone know me... and know my name without having to say a thing.  It felt very comforting.

There was no need for explanation... they took the boys and I into this nice room with chairs and a mattress on the floor.  They came in and talked me thru what was going to happen... took the boys to get their catheter.  They brought them back and we chilled for a bit.  I have really never seen the two of them so relaxed.  All was going to be ok.

The doctor came in and we sat down at the mattress on the floor.  Nube was the first to go.  I petted him while he was lying on the mattress.  It was just like I had imagined it would be.  He calmly fell asleep and then was gone.  I gasped because I couldn't believe it was actually happening.

Poco was next and just as calmly fell asleep right next to me while I was petting him and Nube.  The doctor left the room and said I could stay as long as I wanted.  I stayed for a few minutes.  Gave them kisses... told them I loved them.  I took off their tags, laid them side by side and covered them with the blanket as if they were sleeping.  Blew them a kiss as I was walking out the door.

Once I got in the truck I lost it just a little.  As I was pulling away all I could say is "I lost my babies" and "I'm not momma anymore"

I held on to the blanket I brought them in... I actually have that blanket on my lap as I type... it might be my soothing touch stone for awhile.

When I got back home the first thing I did was put their tags on Blue.  I attached them with my grandma's guardian bell... so they will ride with me and I can look down and see them.

I am surprised it doesn't hurt as I thought it would... I thought I would feel physical pain in my heart... my heart would be so heavy it would shut down everything inside of me.  My heart actually feels full and light.  I burst into tears and say "I lost my babies" and sometimes hyperventilate but no pain.

I believe we all knew it was time.  They are at peace and with me forever.  I may not be a mamma anymore but I was truly loved by two amazing babies.

Love you forever, Poco and Nube!!


  1. It never gets easier losing a fur child. I am close to having to make this journey myself with my 16-year-old Siamese cat Omali. I know it'll break my heart, but I am also grateful for having him in my life.


  2. I was hoping to get through this without crying, but alas... thank you for sharing it. You were a wonderful mama to the boys and you'll always be their mama.

  3. Sending big love and lots of hugs, Jackie- beautiful and beautiful and beautiful!. IO

  4. I've been following your blog for a short time, I learned about you from Remote Leigh on fb. This is so hard I know. I lost a fur baby this year (well, last year - 2014). And all my other fur kids are getting older. You did the right thing by your babies their whole lives, including now. You are a good mom. They will always be with you. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Hugs to you at this difficult time.

  5. Couldn't say it any better than "Here and Now". So sorry for your loss Jackie. Big hugs today and in the days ahead. Pam

  6. A mother who loses her babies is still a mother. Please know that about yourself. That happened and cannot be taken away.