Saturday, December 27, 2014

Decisions: It's Time

I travel with my 2 chihuahuas that I have had since they were puppies..  My boys.

Poco is 14 1/2, black, chihuahua mix.  He lost an eye a year and a half ago and today is screaming because his hips hurt.  He couldn't walk this morning and fell right into the water bowl and was stuck.  He can barely squat and has gone potty in his crate multiple times today.

Nube is 12 1/2, white, pure bread chihuahua.  He has a severe heart murmur.  To the point they could barely medicate him and could not remove a bad tooth this summer.  He has been sick for the last few days... Has no bladder control, throws up frequently and now has stopped eating.

Every time I take either one of them into the vet I get the talk about putting them down.  I am usually completely hysterical for days and tell the boys they have to live... I needed them.  I was scared to be alone.

I have decided it is time.... It is time for the both of them.  They will be together until the end.  I am oddly at peace this time.  I am grateful for their unconditional love.  My heart is full because I have had my boys who protected me, snuggled with me, traveled with me, played with me... I have been blessed.

Do I wish I could keep them alive forever... Have the money for every medical intervention possible?  I sure do!  

I know people will judge me... Tell me what a horrible person I am for not doing all I could... The thing they don't realize is... I have done all I can... And beyond... Probably too far beyond.

How do you plan and prepare to loose a pet?? How do you loose a pet when you live on the road??

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this.  Where do I need to be physically, emotionally?  How do I comfort them? What do I do with them once they have passed?

I thought for sure I would have to be close to my best friend because I figured I would fall down a spiral of grief I couldn't recover from.

Lately, it seems, I have been preparing.  Preparing my mind and my heart... Working thru some things I needed to get past to be ok with being alone.  I had a feeling my boys have been waiting for me... Waiting for me to be ok.  I'm not shocked this is happening now.  

I had hoped they would just go until they were done and I could bury them in a place with an amazing view.  Life doesn't quite go as planned.  I will be putting them to sleep and not completely sure what to do after that.  It's winter here and the ground is probably frozen... I have no room or need for ashes... So that is something I need to figure out.

Hard to snuggle with then when there is no bladder control... It is below freezing outside so spending the days outside playing is also not an option.  We did make it to our "winter home"... A place that is familiar with them.  I hope that comforts them.

Calling the vet on Monday.  I hope they listen.  That is one of the most difficult things about being on the road... You never have the same vet.  They all want you to spend an obscene amount of money on diagnosis because they surely have a better idea for a cure than the last vet.  I'm going to stand strong and not allow my boys to be poked and prodded for no reason.  It will be calm and peaceful.

I'm sure I will be sad and sad is ok... Needed.  It sure will be empty in TicTac when I hit the road again. I still look for Randall (my cat I rehomed this last June) in TicTac and occasionally call his name.  

All will be ok... Life will move forward.  My boys have been loved and I have been loved by my boys.

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