Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Growing Pains: The Beginning

It is hard growing... even painful.  Realizing some people stunt your growth... being able to put the past in the past to move forward.  To strongly, peacefully, lovingly move forward knowing that some people will be left behind, thoughts that may have defined you will be placed out of your mind, and not being sure but open to what the future brings.

Being on the road has allowed me to grow... to move forward in my life.  It has seemed somewhat easy so far and even feels like changes happen naturally without an effort.  I have now hit the hard part.  The part that begins to involve who I once was defined as... people associated with that time... realizing I owe nothing to the outside world but owe everything to myself.

I'm not trying to bury a shameful past.  I am not ashamed of who I am and the journey that got me here.  I believe that your past defines you like a chromosome.  It is something that makes up who I am but doesn't define me... isn't on my mind every day... doesn't keep me from who I want to be... it sits quietly in my makeup like having brown eyes.  Having brown eyes doesn't affect my abilities, how I live my life... having brown eyes is a part of me that maybe some people notice and some people don't.  Brown eyes and my past are things that create beauty but are rarely discussed... it isn't needed to talk about with everyone you meet... but there are occasions where 2 people will connect over these common traits.

I was talking with a friend a month or so ago about relationships... what does a relationship look like in my world.  I have a clear idea in my mind what that looks like and have made steps where I thought that could be a possibility... and then I ended our discussion with "I don't have room" and pointed to TicTac.  That comment has been eating at me as I was trying to figure out if it was a physical 'don't have room' or something more.  The physical can always be changed and the way I define a relationship really doesn't have any spacial limitations so it wasn't about the physical space.  It was something much deeper.   It comes back to my enough list.

Surely, I'm not the only person with an enough list... all those things that you tell yourself that are not enough.  The reason people won't like you which is really the reason you don't like yourself.  My 'Not Enough' list has limited me in many ways because I never see myself as enough.  I am working on disproving the validity of my 'Not Enough' list.   Moving forward... Growing.  I won't even call it my 'Not Enough' list anymore... just my 'Enough list' because I am enough.

Enough list:
Smart Enough
Beautiful Enough
Sane Enough
Independent Enough

I've never understood why people come and go in your life.  Why does change bring up so much fear, resentment and sadness... to the point that relationships have to be broken.  If people looked as to why we change... to be who we are meant to be, to do what we dream about, to prove that we are enough to ourselves... shouldn't everyone want that for people they care about?  Sure, the relationship will change but does holding on to the point where the relationship has to end the best option?  It is difficult for me to be at a point where I feel I have to break ties in relationships with people who have helped me move forward.  I tried to keep them but I am feeling not enough instead of enough where they are concerned.  I have spoken my mind and still put back into not enough.  Maybe they don't realize... maybe they don't care... I'm not completely sure and it isn't my job to figure that out... it IS my job to know I AM Enough!

Growing is painful... the wait to see the wonderful on the other side is difficult... I know it is there.  I know I am enough.  I'm growing into enough.

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