Thursday, July 24, 2014
What is a romantic relationship?? This is what I have been thinking about for quite some time. I can't quite figure out if it is needed.... Or if maybe the relationships I have had were such duds I have no way of knowing what that would be. Unfortunately, I seem to get bored quickly... Just haven't found the right type of person yet I guess. Other than my first relationship, which lasted almost 2 years, I usually last about a month and then something goes to a place that is just not acceptable for me. I just don't see the point in being in a relationship where I have to change or feel less than in any way. I have had an abusive relationship with myself most of my life.. I have also been in crap relationships (romantic and not) where I was verbally, emotionally and even physically abused and I have no tolerance for anything remotely close to that anymore.
Recently, I was in some sort of relationship with someone over distance. I loved the fact I had someone to say good morning to and who said good morning to me... Someone to talk to throughout the day... And someone to say goodnight to. We would chat, talk on the phone and skype. It felt like someone actually thought of me. Then I made the effort to meet in person and it wasn't much of anything and is done.
I guess what I like is to have someone think of me. Where I am priority in someone's life and they are the priority in my life. I have never been someone's priority. I have made many people my priority when really it should of been working on myself... Or maybe it wasn't the right person to make my priority. Maybe priority isn't the right word. The first person I think about when I get up in the morning and the last person I think about when I go to bed at night... The person I think about to make me smile or to feel comfort. Not priority over my own needs but someone who is the one I want to think about, be with, talk to and know everything about.
Sure, all relationships have compromises but what is ok to compromise? And if I never feel truly connected how can one be intimate? I usually zone out and whatever has happened before I've know anything has happened. Obviously never been with anyone who even realizes I'm not there emotionally... Or maybe doesn't care.
So, is this a search worth searching? Other than the intimate part of a relationship... Which I miss out on anyways.... Is there anything that I can't get from my friends? No, I will not be the priority or whatever that is with my friends but they are there if I need them and I'm pretty sure they think about me and I think about them. When I think about them I smile and I feel comfort and safety. And we usually know all there is to know about each other... And I have friends with different interests... So I know who to talk to or do things with that would interest us both and go to someone else for other things.
I have friends all over the country and love visiting them all... Some are more close than others. Some I feel like I am home and some I am just visiting. Some I can talk to about anything and some I have to sensor myself but I do love them all.
Most of the time I don't feel like my life is missing anything but on occasion I feel like I need something more... But what? I don't want a traveling partner... And I don't want to get off the road and live in one of those houses that don't move. So what do I feel I am missing?? Is there anything missing? Is it ok if I feel nothing is missing? Sometimes it is hard to decipher my own needs from what society tells me are my needs. Is a romantic/intimate relationship a need or a desire... And is it for everyone? Or is it a fear that holds me back? And if it is a fear, how do you even go about conquering or even knowing it's a fear if you can't find a person to conquer it with?
Life is sometimes a mystery to me.... All I know to do is let life happen and not be afraid to go with it when it does.