Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Then and Now

It always takes me a second and I smile when I share my story and someone tells me they can't see me as someone who has depression or an eating disorder.  Kind of a strange life... it is like I have lived 2 lifetimes that don't connect.

This video is a song I wrote in the middle of some bad times... a bit intimidating... not much hope.  I never get to share this song because it isn't "positive"... that's what people have told me.  Well.. this is the real life of Jackie for most of my life.

I was someone who went without treatment for many years then when I was in treatment I was over medicated for a few years.  I lost that censor in my brain that would tell me maybe that isn't a good idea... I wouldn't remember if I ate that day, where I was suppose to be and on occasion would forget where I lived.

I was more suicidal and had more self harm on medication than I ever had off medication.  I was a cutter, I would burn myself and once I even tried to hang myself out of curiosity of what that would feel like.  Again... loosing that important voice in my head... I figured if my toes could touch the ground all would be well... not realizing I would have to get up higher to get myself out of the rope.  I was stuck on my toes for quite a while before I found a way out.. unharmed... but not without a story to tell. :/

That day was a turning point for me... I brought in everything I had that I would use to hurt myself to my nutritionist and said I am going off my meds.  Never looked back.  It took a lot of work but at least my mind was with me to do the work.

The most healing thing has been living on the road.  Sure, it isn't for everyone but it is for me.  I am the happiest I have ever been... I love to laugh and smile.  I always say my smile changed... it's not plastered on my face to please... it comes all on it's own.  I took away unnecessary stress and I challenge myself daily... putting myself outside of my comfort zone.  I went from a life of loneliness to a life where I am never alone.  I have friends all over the world I chat with online or visit while on the road.  My heart feels full and I am happy.

No comments:

Post a Comment