Sunday, August 24, 2014
I feel so free these last few days. I want to create again which is something that can be smothered quite easily. My heart feels light and I am happy.
These last few weeks I had to deal with an abusive person... She was just unhappy. I don't know why I put myself in those situations. Some can't be helped, like growing up in a verbally and emotionally abusive life. This one I could of helped by leaving but I was trying to help my friends and working at their business. I just kept thinking it wasn't so bad... She was just unhappy... That I somehow could help her feel more welcome.
She was in her 50s but acted like a child with this weird little girl voice that would come out and the need to be the center of attention. She kept telling me she felt like a second class citizen when she refused to be a part of the community.
She called me a waif daily. It was not meant as a compliment from her. I have never begged or taken from anyone but I refuse to be rude to people who are willing to give. I also try to give back to those who give. I might not be able to pay or give them an object in return but I can help with their computers, other needs or just be a friend when they need. This drove this lady insane. She didn't understand why people wanted to be around me or feed me or give me anything.
She obviously had no idea what my life has been like. Many years were spent feeling I didn't deserve food. I would not eat when people would invite me for dinner because I felt I was not worthy of their food... That their food would be wasted on me and someone else would not get enough to sustain. In reality, they of course made enough for everyone and they truly wanted me to be nourished. It took years to teach myself that I am worthy of food... That I deserve as much as anyone else to eat, have people care for me and to allow people in my life. I always feel so blessed when someone invites me for dinner. I love the company and the friendship.
She also doesn't know what it is like to live with nothing. She has a retirement and a savings. I only have what is in my checking account and that can be as low as a few dollars. Just this last February I had $70 to my name with no job. I was lucky to find a job shortly after which saved my life. I never know from month to month what it will be like. If I will have enough money to eat every day. Some months are great and have enough to do what I need to Blue, for myself and even put a little away for another month and some months I have next to nothing. This has been my life even before I hit the road... It is less stressful on the road than living in one place not knowing month to month when there was rent, utilities and other bills to worry about.
Everyone kept telling me she was jealous. Not sure why she wasn't happy with her own accomplishments. She was successful in her career, she is a full time RVer, and has people who love her. I guess for some the grass is always greener on the other side.
Maybe she was upset that I had many friends here and she did not. I was here all by myself and lonely last summer. Had very few people I talked to until a week before I left. This year everyone remembered me and it seems I have friends everywhere. I have also been lucky enough to have people visit which has never happened before. So very exciting for me. She was seeing something that had not always been true for me but something I have worked on and is finally coming full circle. It takes a lot for me to be social... I'm not a people person. It is something I have been working on in the last year. I have met many amazing people that I truly love and not afraid of stepping outside my comfort zone to meet new people. Most have been great experiences but a couple have not been so good... Well, really 2 have been just not nice and they have both been in the last couple months. In the last couple of months I have met some really great people who make those not so good people a small blip on the radar.
Finally this abusive woman left. I finally feel free. Every lesson I learn I feel more free. This must of been a bid one. Letting go of other people's judgement. I have many things on my list I want to accomplish and have been working on them. I am pulling myself out of my comfort zone and creating. In less than a month I will be completely out of my comfort zone for a couple weeks while I go to China. Another amazing experience that was given to me. I am helping some friends transport their children to China. A great exchange. They get the help they need and I get a new adventure.
Keep yourself open to life and the adventures will come!